(Brief addendum to introduction: As you can tell, I have no qualms about profanity. My apologies in advance to my readers if you have delicate sensibilities and are offended by it.)
So, I'd planned on having my first "real" post follow that little introduction a little sooner than this. Partly the delay has been due to apathy; I rediscovered the joys of a WWII aerial combat game I have and consequently buried myself into defeating it again for the last two days (ah, the joys of unemployment.) It's also been partly due to the fact that trying to get my riding mower operational has been a process that has consumed over a week. Actually, in total, it's probably more like three.
Step 1: Realize lawn is too damn tall. Walk out and attempt to start mower. When mower doesn't even attempt to turn over, shrug indifferently and walk back inside to watch TV for the rest of the day.
Step 2: Realize that lawn is even taller than before. Attempt to start mower again with same result. Reach decision that lawn will not, in fact, mow itself. Open hood on mower; stare blankly and scratch head upon realization that the mower no longer has a battery in it. (Apparently, at some point during the winter, my wife's grandfather, Ray, who lives next door, pilfered it for a purpose I won't even begin to speculate about.)
Step 3: Delay several days after realizing that this task will now probably require at least minor mechanical skill. If you know me at all, you know that a spider monkey on a bender would probably have a better chance of doing something mechanical just by accident than I would with the intention of accomplishing something. Resist urge to let the horses into the yard to just eat the damn grass because a) it will just create a different chore when I have to shovel up piles of horseshit and b) the dog will roll in said piles every time I let her out.
Step 4: Get my wife's grandfather to locate the pilfered lawn mower battery. Attempt to charge battery, only to learn that it's completely shot. Go home, bang head against wall, and curse the fact that the chore will now cost money as well. Delay another several days.
Step 5: Go to auto parts store to seek new battery. Stare at clerk blankly when he asks whether the positive terminal of the battery is on the left or the right. Leave empty handed. Delay another two days.
Step 6: Return to parts store with old battery and hand it to clerk. Clerk brings replacement battery and informs me that battery has to be manually filled with acid, by me. Stare blankly because I'm so oblivious to this sort of thing that I just assumed all batteries came pre-filled and closed like car batteries and the battery I've just brought in. Resist urge to grab nearby muffler and beat myself over the head with it. Luckily, Ray actually has a concept of reality regarding mechanical things and fills battery for me, purportedly showing me how to do it, although I'm guessing the process will not end well if I ever have to do it on my own.
Step 7: Delay several more days. Although, to be fair, this isn't wholly my fault; it's been raining, and what the hell is the point in putting the battery in if I can't mow anyway, right?
Step 8: Decide that today's finally the day. Read manual for battery and determine that battery has to be charged before it can be used. Return battery to Ray to charge. Commence playing video games for six consecutive hours, followed by watching three hours of professional wrestling.
Step 9: Finally retrieve battery two days later. Install battery, get mower to actually start, and move it a few feet before looking up at oncoming storm. Mutter the F-word a couple dozen times and give up yet again.
Which brings us up to speed. Assuming it's not raining (again) and that the yard isn't so wet from today's shower that it will clog the mower up, with god as my witness it's getting done tomorrow.
In unrelated legal/political news, it's been a good week for the same-sex marriage crowd. An attempt to end-run the decision which struck down Proposition 8 in California claiming bias on the part of the judge was denied. For those who haven't been following this case, understand that when the trial on the issue was held, proponents of same-sex marriage offered mountains of legal precedent and evidence. Opponents basically rounded up a few people who felt personally offended because gay marriage is "icky." Yes, the judge is gay, but with the complete lack of anything legally relevant in your case, ANY judge would have been compelled to rule against you. Don't look so shocked, Prop 8-ers. (read more about it here: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/06/14/BA261JTP5D.DTL&tsp=1)
Additionally, I've just noticed on my political scicence professor's facebook feed that the New York State Assembly has passed a bill legalizing same-sex marriage. Although it appears less certain that it will pass the state Senate, I'll hold out optimism. (http://edition.cnn.com/2011/US/06/15/new.york.gay.marriage/index.html)
Stay safe, readers, particularly if you live anywhere along the Missouri or Mississippi rivers. It seems like mother nature is very pissed and trying to drown us all this year.
P.S. Wednesday night TV sucks. There's so little on I'm actually watching soccer. SOCCER, for Christ's sake.
HAHA! You crack me up silly goose! I love you!
ReplyDelete