Still living, I promise.

A combination of computer issues and general apathy have led to the lack of updating. I'll try to be better in the coming weeks.

Update

So, computer slowness issues since that virus and a couple of busy weeks have prevented a post recently. A few updates to let everyone know that yes, I am in fact still living. Wipe that disappointed look off your faces.

The last couple weeks have included a weekend trip to Yellowstone (some photos to be added to this post later if my internet connection will cooperate long enough to upload them). If anyone reading this is headed to the park for a late-season trip, we saw almost no animals at all in the main part of the park. So if you're going, you may want to consider driving out the spurs to the west entrance/West Yellowstone and the east entrance/Cooke City. Literally everything we saw was out one of those two roads.

They've also included the county fair, which isn't as much fun when you've lost the will to drink heavily. On the other hand, my wife took Best in Show for her jalapeno pepper jelly and six blue ribbons for some of her photography.

Our cat that was pregnant had her kittens, four of them. Those pictures will also be up soon, again internet-not-being-a-douchelord permitting.

I've also decided, given that we're now officially into presidential election season after the Iowa straw poll that I'm going to do a little profile of all the Republican candidates. As I'm writing this, I've just learned that Pawlenty has already withdrawn, so I won't be doing a profile for him. Sorry if he was a candidate you liked, and to be honest, had I done one for him, it would in all likelihood have been more flattering (or at least, less harsh) than the ones you'll probably be reading.

If I ever meet the guy who dreamed up this little bastard...

...I'm going to cut off his balls and feed them to my dog.

Sunday, I was forced to spend almost nine hours trying to eliminate a particularly nasty virus/malware piece of shit that somehow made its way onto my computer. It's called "XP Antivirus 2012," and in addition to impersonating legitimate Windows alerts, it also hijacks Internet Explorer and Firefox (and, through conversations with friends, I've determined it can also apparently take over Chrome). The IE-hijack makes it particularly annoying because it took me over an hour and a half to find out how to get rid of it and then another two hours to get the only free malware removal program that actually can get rid of this damn thing.

If anyone reading this is unfortunate enough to pick this up, go immediately to YouTube and find instructions from a profile on there called ComputerFriends and save yourself hours of trying to search while internet use is hit-or-miss. One further word of advice; when I removed mine, it also disassociated .exe files in my Windows Registry and you'll have to fix that as well.

FML.

So, I didn't get the job I interviewed for, which looked reasonably promising during the interview. We're rapidly coming up on a year of futile employment search, and it's getting fucking old. In one big fucking hurry.

If I had the wherewithal to open my own solo firm, I'd do it. I don't. So I'm stuck at the mercy of this shitty economy. And apparently, I'm not even worth hiring for jobs for which I'm well overqualified (the last one was to be a paralegal, and I have a goddamn law degree, for fuck's sake).

So here's my remaining options, as I see them:

Option #1: Study the fine art of hydroponics. Start medical marijuana grow op. Name myself CEO/quality control tester.

Option #2: Following in the footsteps of a law school classmate, join the State Department. Resign myself to the fact that my luck will never allow me to be sent someplace awesome like Germany or Ireland. Get shipped to Papua New Guinea or the fucking Congo where (again, given my luck) I'll wind up being Patient Zero in the next ebola outbreak.

Option #3: Sell everything I own. Move to Caribbean island of choice and open bar on beach. Completely cease giving a fuck.

Option #4: Write novel. Have it fail harder than Brian Griffin's "Faster Than the Speed of Love." Resort to either option #3 or #6.

Option #5: Compile list of current nonextradition countries. Rob bank. Go to one of aforementioned countries.

Option #6: Determine if there's a nice cliff I can Thelma and Louise the Pontiac into the lake from.

Comic Strip FTW!

If you've never read Max Cannon's "Red Meat" (printed in a variety of alternative newspapers), you owe it to yourself to go to his website (www.redmeat.com) and read a few. Start with Ted and Bug-Eyed Earl. You'll especially enjoy them if you have the same kind of dark, smart-assed sense of humor I have. A few samples for your viewing pleasure:

Law of the House #5: (Insert clever line here.)

Once again, it's been too long between posts. My apologies. Holiday weekend, then busy. And today, I'm suffering from a rather severe case of don't-give-a-fuck. On top of that, I really don't have anything interesting to say. So, enjoy these two photos.

 

Dinner while camping over the weekend

Gigantic mushroom we found.

Law of the House #4: Great green globs...

So, our barn cat Lily is a stone-cold killer. Yesterday, she bagged this beauty:

This is at least the third one she's nailed, and to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure where she keeps coming up with the damn things. I would have thought if we had that big of a gopher problem, we'd have, you know, seen one or two. The only one's I've ever seen are the ones she carries triumphantly around the yard. It's sort of like one of those nature shows with a leopard hauling a deer into a tree, just in miniature. She's got two kittens right now (despite my best efforts, I haven't been able to get any pictures yet -- Lily is pretty much wild, and the kittens are all the way, they just scatter as soon as they see me). But she didn't share with them; just sat out in the yard and ate the whole thing herself. Well, almost. For some reason she saw fit to leave the head sitting in the middle of the driveway; I was kind of tempted to glove up and impale it on one of the fence posts as a warning to the rest of the rodent bastards.

Now, our inside cats, Malika and Wesa, well, they apparently lack real hunting prowess. We adopted these two from a friend who had to get rid of them before a move, and while we originally intended to have them be outdoor-only pets like the rest of our cats, then the night before we got them we saw a mouse in the house and decided having some cats indoors might solve that problem. This morning, they seemed to be paying an inordinate amount of attention to a big wicker basket/chest thing we have.

 

Wesa

Malika

So I move the basket, there's the mouse, it ducks back under. Since the cats are still circling, I figure, if I tip it up they'll grab it. So I do. And they rush in... and then nothing. They sort of bat at it a couple times and follow it with dumb looks on their faces until it escapes by climbing under the damn dishwasher. So, I guess it's back to old school and setting out mousetraps, since the cats, apparently, are completely worthless. 

But hey, since I'm posting pictures of all of them, our other animals might as well get their 15 minutes of fame in blog-land. Our tomcat, Paul:

And, last but not least of those with photographic representation, our dog, Dakota. She's a seven year old Beagle with dwarfism (hence why she looks a little stumpy.) Hard to ask for a better dog than she's been. Interestingly, she was something of a happy accident. We'd actually gone to the people we got her from because a fraternity brother of mine was getting a fox terrier puppy from them, and we were going to get one too. Turns out, they'd sold the rest of the fox terriers already by the time we got there, but had Dakota left out of the beagle litter. Apparently, nobody wanted her because she was so runty (the rest of the puppies had bullied her so much that they'd chewed all the hair off the tip of her tail and the ends of her ears.) Were I a richer man, I'd have her cloned.

We also have a parakeet named Petrie and four hermit crabs (Butters, Khan, Zoidberg, and Chowder).

Now, I'm going to go enjoy my nightcap:

Law of the House #3: Grind on.

I really wasn't anticipating it being over a week between posts. However, the honey-do list has been pretty lengthy of late, and new additions seem to be stacking up faster than things are getting crossed off.

On a positive note, almost exactly a year after moving in to our house, the wife and I finally got our last room finished up. Getting the guest bedroom unpacked and put together was a needed minor accomplishment.

I also had a possibly promising job interview, so it may be that I won't be playing house husband for much longer. At least not full time. Which, loosely translated, means I'll still have to do the same shit but try to cram it into an evening instead of an entire day like I'm doing now.

Back to a fun-filled evening of trying to scratch things off this list. Up next: the joys of unloading the dishwasher and the utterly fascinating "organize the pantry so I can actually find what the fuck I'm looking for" (actually written on my list that way) while trying to watch Deadliest Catch at the same time.

Law of the House #2: Watch your step

It's a good thing I don't have any heart problems or anything. I walked up to get the mail today, was shuffling through the mail, looked up just in time, saw this:*

*(photo from google, not actual snake)

Roughly three feet from where I was walking. In sandals. Had I had one more piece of mail to shuffle through, I probably would have stepped on it and been bitten before I even knew it was there. As it was, it scared the holy shit out of my enough that I almost stepped in front of a motorcycle coming at me at highway speed. And had there not been a car coming from the other direction which made me walk a little further down than I usually do before crossing the highway, I probably would have stepped on the little son of a bitch on my way to the mailbox.

Today's current event: Apparently, during its coverage of the U.S. Open golf tournament this weekend, as part of its coverage, included filmed footage of a group of children reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. When airing said coverage, it apparently edited out the phrase "under god." And now religious folks everywhere are in an uproar.

It's no secret that I'm a staunch separation of church and state advocate. I'm also not a fan of the Pledge of Allegiance in general because it smacks of the kind of blind, unquestioning patriotism from which totalitarian regimes are born. However, what has boggled me most today is the staggering number of people who, while raving about the "war on Christianity" and "godless liberals" are completely clueless about the history of the Pledge itself. I offer this so that readers may not join the ranks of the ranting uneducated (if you're going to rant, at least be accurate.) I will conclude with the reason I believe that "under god" in the pledge is not Constitutional with reference to Supreme Court precedent. (Again, remember readers, this is my personal opinion, not legal advice.)

The Pledge of Allegiance was drafted in 1892 by Francis Bellamy, a Baptist minister and avowed socialist (that fact seems to have been lost on the people who decry the 'socialist liberals trying to destroy tradition'). The pledge, as initially drafted, read as follows:

"I pledge allegiance to my flag and the republic for which it stands: one nation indivisible with liberty and justice for all."

The initial pledge was published in a magazine with the intent that it would generate patriotism and help sell flags.

The pledge has been revised four times throughout its history. The first revision came later in 1892 and was proposed by Bellamy himself:

"I pledge allegiance to my flag and to the republic for which it stands: one nation indivisible with liberty and justice for all."

The next revision came in 1923:

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States and to the republic for which it stands: one nation indivisible with liberty and justice for all."

And the next, 1924:

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands; one nation indivisible with liberty and justice for all."

Each of these revisions served as, for lack of a better term, linguistic streamlining or clarification. The pledge's only substantive revision was its last, the addition of the words "under god" in 1954. The addition of the phrase "under god" was campaigned for heavily by the Knights of Columbus. Interestingly enough, President Eisenhower, who was in the White House at the time, supported the addition but had until the year before been a Jehovah's Witness, a group which refuses to say the pledge at all because it considers the pledge to be a form of idolatry (and which has spearheaded litigation resulting in Supreme Court decisions to the effect that recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance cannot be made mandatory for schoolchildren and that children cannot be required to stand for its recitation even though speaking the words is voluntary). The addition gained support in Congress after Senator Joseph McCarthy advocated the addition as a possible tool for helping to ferret out 'godless communists.'

One further point of history: Bellamy initially proposed that recitation of the pledge be accompanied by an arm outstretched toward the flag. The current custom of placing the hand over the heart was adopted in 1942 when Congress decided the gesture looked a little too much like the Nazi salute.


So, with that history in mind, let's make sure that two things are crystal clear, since I've spent the day beating my head against a wall and muttering unkind things about the people that can't comprehend these two facts:
1) The Pledge of Allegiance was NOT drafted by our founding fathers.
2) A Pledge of Allegiance containing the words "under god" is NOT 'the way it's always been.'

Which brings me to the legal argument. I'm not going to be offended if you believe this argument is incorrect; the most recent federal circuit court to address the issue rejected it, so unless and until the Supreme Court takes up the issue, it is not the current law of the land. I simply offer it as a point for consideration.

The Pledge of Allegiance is codified in law as part of the Flag Code. Because of this, the government has officially adopted a religious reference, bringing the establishment clause of the First Amendment into play. One of the key cases in establishment clause jurisprudence is Lemon v. Kurtzman, establishes a three-prong test for determining whether a governmental action is a violation of the establishment clause. If the action fails any of the three prongs, it is unconstitutional.

1. The government's action must have a secular legislative purpose;
2. The government's action must not have the primary effect of either advancing or inhibiting religion;
3. The government's action must not result in an "excessive government entanglement" with religion.

I'm going to ignore prong 3; while it arguably might apply, it would involve quite a bit of quibbling over what level of entanglement becomes 'excessive.'

Had the Pledge of Allegiance been adopted in its current form, from the beginning, it might possibly have been argued that its adoption had a secular legislative purpose of promoting patriotism and that its primary effect neither advanced nor inhibited religion. However, when Congress in 1954 passed a law with the sole purpose of adding the words "under god" to the Pledge of Allegiance, it took an action which advanced a religious ideal (the notion of the existence of a god). It further could not have had a secular purpose for doing so, because any purpose of promoting patriotism was adequately fulfilled by the Pledge of Allegiance in its previous form without the words "under god;" therefore, the only possible purpose for the addition of the words was a religious one. The addition of "under god" therefore violates the establishment clause because it fails prongs 1 and 2 of the Lemon v. Kurtzman test.

Past court rulings have upheld the presence of "under god" in the pledge by categorizing it as "ceremonial deism," a theory which states that the presence of the words has lost any religious meaning because of its rote repetition. I would argue that the intensity of the outcry by religious groups itself demonstrates that this is not so; one does not seek so intensely to protect a phrase which has no meaning. Again, simply my opinion, and I hope that whether you agree or disagree with it that this history lesson at least serves as food for thought and will generate more informed discussion if this issue remains prevalent.

Earthquake!

So, the wife and I thought we felt an earthquake last night. USGS doesn't have one on their little earthquake map thing for the one we thought we felt, but does have two more in the wee hours, both of which centered within a couple miles of our house. So, I'm sticking with the first one, too.

Law of the House #1: When the lawn gets tall enough to swallow the goddamn dog, it's probably time to get the mower running and mow the sumbitch.

(Brief addendum to introduction: As you can tell, I have no qualms about profanity. My apologies in advance to my readers if you have delicate sensibilities and are offended by it.)

So, I'd planned on having my first "real" post follow that little introduction a little sooner than this. Partly the delay has been due to apathy; I rediscovered the joys of a WWII aerial combat game I have and consequently buried myself into defeating it again for the last two days (ah, the joys of unemployment.) It's also been partly due to the fact that trying to get my riding mower operational has been a process that has consumed over a week. Actually, in total, it's probably more like three.

Step 1: Realize lawn is too damn tall. Walk out and attempt to start mower. When mower doesn't even attempt to turn over, shrug indifferently and walk back inside to watch TV for the rest of the day.

Step 2: Realize that lawn is even taller than before. Attempt to start mower again with same result. Reach decision that lawn will not, in fact, mow itself. Open hood on mower; stare blankly and scratch head upon realization that the mower no longer has a battery in it. (Apparently, at some point during the winter, my wife's grandfather, Ray, who lives next door, pilfered it for a purpose I won't even begin to speculate about.)

Step 3: Delay several days after realizing that this task will now probably require at least minor mechanical skill. If you know me at all, you know that a spider monkey on a bender would probably have a better chance of doing something mechanical just by accident than I would with the intention of accomplishing something. Resist urge to let the horses into the yard to just eat the damn grass because a) it will just create a different chore when I have to shovel up piles of horseshit and b) the dog will roll in said piles every time I let her out.

Step 4: Get my wife's grandfather to locate the pilfered lawn mower battery. Attempt to charge battery, only to learn that it's completely shot. Go home, bang head against wall, and curse the fact that the chore will now cost money as well. Delay another several days.

Step 5: Go to auto parts store to seek new battery. Stare at clerk blankly when he asks whether the positive terminal of the battery is on the left or the right. Leave empty handed. Delay another two days.

Step 6: Return to parts store with old battery and hand it to clerk. Clerk brings replacement battery and informs me that battery has to be manually filled with acid, by me. Stare blankly because I'm so oblivious to this sort of thing that I just assumed all batteries came pre-filled and closed like car batteries and the battery I've just brought in. Resist urge to grab nearby muffler and beat myself over the head with it. Luckily, Ray actually has a concept of reality regarding mechanical things and fills battery for me, purportedly showing me how to do it, although I'm guessing the process will not end well if I ever have to do it on my own.

Step 7: Delay several more days. Although, to be fair, this isn't wholly my fault; it's been raining, and what the hell is the point in putting the battery in if I can't mow anyway, right?

Step 8: Decide that today's finally the day. Read manual for battery and determine that battery has to be charged before it can be used. Return battery to Ray to charge. Commence playing video games for six consecutive hours, followed by watching three hours of professional wrestling.

Step 9: Finally retrieve battery two days later. Install battery, get mower to actually start, and move it a few feet before looking up at oncoming storm. Mutter the F-word a couple dozen times and give up yet again.

Which brings us up to speed. Assuming it's not raining (again) and that the yard isn't so wet from today's shower that it will clog the mower up, with god as my witness it's getting done tomorrow.

In unrelated legal/political news, it's been a good week for the same-sex marriage crowd. An attempt to end-run the decision which struck down Proposition 8 in California claiming bias on the part of the judge was denied. For those who haven't been following this case, understand that when the trial on the issue was held, proponents of same-sex marriage offered mountains of legal precedent and evidence. Opponents basically rounded up a few people who felt personally offended because gay marriage is "icky." Yes, the judge is gay, but with the complete lack of anything legally relevant in your case, ANY judge would have been compelled to rule against you. Don't look so shocked, Prop 8-ers. (read more about it here: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/06/14/BA261JTP5D.DTL&tsp=1)

Additionally, I've just noticed on my political scicence professor's facebook feed that the New York State Assembly has passed a bill legalizing same-sex marriage. Although it appears less certain that it will pass the state Senate, I'll hold out optimism. (http://edition.cnn.com/2011/US/06/15/new.york.gay.marriage/index.html)

Stay safe, readers, particularly if you live anywhere along the Missouri or Mississippi rivers. It seems like mother nature is very pissed and trying to drown us all this year.

P.S. Wednesday night TV sucks. There's so little on I'm actually watching soccer. SOCCER, for Christ's sake.

Welcome... to my nightmare.

Welcome to this little corner of the Web. As I'm new at this, any readers, bear with me. I'm sure it will get better with time.

By way of introduction, my name is Jason. My wife and I have been married for nearly four years. I live in rural Montana, and in 2010, I graduated from law school, successfully passing the Bar that August. I've subsequently spent an agonizing ten months seeking employment (both in and out of the legal field) to no avail. My wife, fortunately, has found employment.

Which leaves me, for the majority of the past ten months, playing house husband. This blog will explore my adventures in unemployment and my attempts to keep the house functional (which should be increasingly entertaining now that my wife's work schedule necessitates that I either learn to cook dinner for myself or starve.) Because of my background, it's likely I'll also offer some views on current events, political issues, or legal issues; at any rate, I hope that this blog will remain a lighthearted attempt to make the most of a less than ideal situation, and one I hope will help any other not-by-choice house husbands who stumble across it with a little time for humor.

One disclaimer I have to offer (sorry, this is basic CYA, and because of my law license, I HAVE to say this.) In the event I do explore a legal issue, nothing said on this blog should be construed as legal advice. Ever. Under any circumstances. While I'm quite willing to speak in general ways about legal issues (helping to educate the public is a duty of the profession) and even to answer basic questions from any readers of this blog, I will do so only in a general manner to help give perspective to a legal issue. Please, if you have a genuine legal problem, seek competent representation or the assistance of a local self-help law center. I don't know your specific facts and will not offer you the kind of advice they can.

Now that the necessary business is out of the way, again welcome. If you have a topic you'd like me to discuss, from the lighthearted to the weighty, please feel free to offer suggestions -- I can't guarantee I'll take them up, but if something speaks to me, I'm all too happy to address it.

Enjoy the adventure of my continuing nightmare.